Who Am I in Pregnancy?

I might be pregnant. I might not. It's still too early to be certain. I am in that lovely gray area of waiting to find out. But either way, we are trying, and so I am facing the point of Motherhood and becoming a Mother. First step in Motherhood is Pregnancy.

This state of potentially being pregnant has really brought the point forward/here for me to really look at who am I in and toward pregnancy and who do I truly want to be?

I've noticed some fears, doubts and beliefs that have come up that I had within myself since a long time ago, that are like weird faint echoes now, that I am putting to rest and letting go through self forgiveness. Like that maybe I will never get the chance to have a child for some reason, that it's just not in the cards for me. Or that being a mother is just not who I am for some reason.. It's always for some unknown reason, the reason is not known cause there is no reason. It's just a thought, a projection. Or I felt like I didn't have the time to give to such a process cause I hardly had time for myself being so caught up in survival and living my own life in what little time I had, which is a result of the conditions of society, not really who I am or what I truly want.

What I've come to realize is that I have been a mother all along, but I was never really in a position to be able to embrace that expression of me. My world told me I needed to be more like a man, that it wasn't safe, or there wasn't time and space, to be a mother, to be receptive and nurturing, to be slow and turning in, to focus on myself and my body and give myself the utmost care and regard, because I am worthy and doing something important that deserves the best care I can give or receive. No time to give to another being to give them the best chance at life when I didn't have that chance myself.

Much of my life was focused on survival, working to scrape by, stressed out with all my inherited fears and doubts about myself and life, that I didn't want to pass on to another being. Sacrificing myself trying to 'win at the game' of 'life' - according to the system. But I'm in a different place now, within myself and without, thanks to all the time and effort I have put in to self work and self change, when and as I could over the years, with the support of the Desteni tools, without which I would not be where and who I am today.

I would not have been brave enough to challenge my fears and beliefs that got me to where I'm at in life today. I had to take leaps of faith, I had to go through my fears and emerge from the most difficult times in my life like a phoenix from the ashes, never knowing the outcome, and trust that there is a better way and do whatever I could to prepare myself for any opportunity that would come my way.

And that is what I want to pass on to another life. This process, this chance, to be more than our current design. To be more than beings that live in the mind in fears and doubts and self beliefs. To be who we really are as physical beings here, able to respond to our reality in the best way, to use what's here to make life better, to find a better way, and not simply remain stuck in systems of limitation that are busy destroying and diminishing life and its potential.

This is why I am ready, more ready than I have ever been, to take on the responsibility of motherhood. To allow myself to open up and make space within myself and within my life, to create something new, that may go beyond even my death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times in my life think/believe that it might not be in the cards for me to have children in this life, out of some kind of idea that is like fate or superstition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/feel/believe that I do not have the time and space to give myself to another being to care for them and walk with them through their years of dependency and do whatever is needed to support them to become the best version of themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/feel that I do not want to give my time for this purpose, because I did not realize what I have to give and that that is more important than an idea of a personal life of 'what I want to do', and fears that I would regret 'giving up my time', within this not considering that I would actually receive in the giving one of the greatest opportunities to create real long term change in this world that could extend even beyond my life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I am not a mother based on how I felt within having to fit in to the system and find a way to survive, that I didn't have time to give because I had so little time for myself, which didn't mean that I didn't want to give that time, I truly did wish to have the time to give to properly supporting creating another life, and so within this I was simply denying who I really am which is a mother at heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/feel that I cannot/must not be a 'mother' based on the judgments that I experienced toward women for being 'soft' and the 'weaker sex' as a negative thing and therefore I must strive to not be that so that I am not judged as 'less than' or 'inferior'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rushed within myself, within wanting to know if I'm pregnant, wanting to be pregnant already, so that it can already be happening, within this creating a kind of anxiety in me out of a fear that it might not happen, instead of trusting the physical and letting the process unfold and being at peace within myself, as I would rather create a space of peace within myself for the child to be than one of anxiety and tension.

I commit myself to when I notice that I am in tension and stress, to breathe and ground myself here and release the anxiety and tension.

I commit myself to continue to support myself to walk through fears and doubts and beliefs, and continue to challenge myself to live my best life every day, so that I can live that example for any child I may have and all life as well.

I commit myself to fully embrace the expression of 'mother' and within this to trust myself within everything, trust the physical, trust the process, trust myself to walk and adjust and do the best possible and not go into fears or doubts or judgments.

I commit myself to being patient with the process of motherhood, breathing and walking at the pace of the physical, not being in a rush but allowing the space and time to really be with this process and let it unfold naturally, and simply be here, living in every moment.

I commit myself to create the space within myself in which I would like to live and exist, not only as what is best for me but what is best for a child to be born into and through, and within this I commit to continue walking my process of self correction to be the best version of myself so that I can pass on the best of me and give another being the chance I never had to go beyond even where I have and will go in this life, for the benefit of all life, as it is through the children that we create the world we live in in every way.

A wonderfully supportive series on Eqafe for parents and parents to be: