Money as My Control pt. 1
My parents also
never had a lot of money, and probably there were times that my needs
or wants just couldn’t practically be met, but this was often
conveyed with stress and frustration and conflict, so I learned that
expressing my needs or asking for things causes conflict, and then
when you get into the working world it was more of the same,
disregard for your health and well-being, you have to keep going to
survive, can’t be sick, can’t miss work, can’t have issues or
maybe they’ll fire you and hire someone with less issues. So I’ve
generally developed patterns of suppressing my own needs, and I could
only really start to consider my well-being in the last few years, as
I was forced to by my chronic pain issues, and as I was finally doing
relatively better financially so could afford to treat myself better,
and having a job that for the first time was respectful of allowing
time off for sickness/injury.
So at age 16 or so,
I started getting ‘legit’ jobs and money, not just the odd
baby-sitting or lawn-mowing side jobs, and then I felt like I had
some right, I had a some say, some power, I had the ability and
permission to decide some things for myself. This was a point that
came into play in relationships too, where I’d seen and experienced
that dynamic of the male paying for things, and then there’s an
expectation of the female to ‘put out’, and that feeling of
‘obligation’ or ‘indebtedness’ grossed me out, I wanted none
of that, so I would always pay for myself or pay half the bill or
whatever. I didn’t want anyone to pay for me and I would never
borrow money from someone, because I associated it with that feeling
of obligation, which made me feel ‘trapped’ or ‘forced’ to
have to do what someone else wants. I always did what I had to to
survive, I did the math in terms of what I needed to get by and
sought out and took whatever opportunities that would do that the
best. It was never enough to thrive, and there were some really hard
times, but I survived.
Throughout my
relationships I tended to be the ‘breadwinner’, I had several
partners who at times didn’t have jobs or income. Or if I wasn’t
earning more than my partner, still being able to pay for myself, so
still having a ‘say’ in my life, having enough money that I had
'some power’ to ‘make decisions’. And this was the case up
until a year ago, when I made a radical decision to uproot my life
and leave everything behind, a stable job, my own car, roughly seven
years of accumulated personal belongings, and move to a foreign
country, to eventually establish some businesses, but having to get
through the transition period of moving, resettling, learning the
language, establishing residency, having a house and facility built
from which to eventually generate an income, while having no personal
income in the meantime, living under the support of my partner who
has the means to make this all possible.
When this
opportunity opened up to, my mind did the math and said 'No fucking
way. This doesn't add up. How will I make sure I get what I need? How
can I trust another person to support me when no one ever has before,
when my overall experience has been that when someone pays for you
they want to control you in return? What guarantee do I have that
I'll be alright? But on a beingness level, I knew I had to take this
chance or die trying, even though my mind was full of fears and
doubts. Cause I could look ahead at the predictable path I was on,
and could see I could only go so far, that I have all this potential,
and that I'd probably never get to live it, if I stuck to that
supposedly 'safe' and predictable path. I could see that I would
forever regret it if I didn't give myself this chance, even if it
meant I might die trying, or worse. I mean, I was in a way dying
already, giving my life away to the system, experiencing more and
more chronic symptoms from living a life of limitation that was hard
to stomach and injuries I couldn’t properly address and manage
without enough time or money, which I’ll talk about more in my
chronic pain blogs. This was a chance to die on my own terms. Or to
live, to truly live. So I took a leap of faith. I already knew I can
survive, I've been doing it all my life, I've proven that, and if it
comes down to that, I'll do whatever I have to do. I always have
myself, and I trust myself. So what was there to lose?
So for the first
time since I’ve been ‘independent’ all my adult life, I’m now
totally dependent. It's not a position I wanted to be in, nor would
have ever walked into normally. As you can see, it goes against how
I've always approached my survival, doing everything I could to keep
it in my own hands, to have some ‘sovereignty’ in my life.
What I’ve been
experiencing is probably what many in that sort of ‘dependent
housewife’ position might generally go through, that point of
financial dependence and no direct control over anything, and I can
understand why so many women were more than eager to get ‘out of
the kitchen and into the work force’, tired of experiencing the
negative side of the polarity, ready to have some of the
independence, control, and dominance that they experienced the
backend of. But within that, not realizing that it’s just a swing
to the opposite side of the polarity, and still not an actual
solution. Cause no one wants to be on a negative side of a polarity,
so even if you are on the positive side, and it seems to be working
for you, it’s definitely not on the other side, which means you’re
not going to have balanced relationships where both sides are having
a cool time and enjoying each other and life. So your positive
experience is going to be affected by the negative experience of
those around you, just like financial inequality on the greater
scale, where you can be wealthy and that can seem to be pretty great,
except that you’ve got to try and manage it in a world where many
are in poverty and would rather not be, so you’ve got to do all
kinds of things to protect your money and your wealth, live in gated
communities, have locks and security systems, financial advisors, and
all that.
What I’ve found in
going through this experience and being in this position is how
‘dependent’ I really have been on my programming of financial
‘independence’, because, since I associated having my own
income/money as giving me the right to have a say or make decisions
in my life, I have basically perceived myself as having no right or
say in my life. I’ve never had to develop ways to communicate my
needs, cause I used a personal income as the solution, as a result of
my needs creating conflict as a child, so I learned/experienced that
communication wasn’t an option.
So how I end up
living these patterns now in this position of dependence, is for
example, when we first moved in together, almost exactly a year ago,
I came to live with him in a place he was renting, and since I wasn’t
contributing financially to the rent, I didn’t see myself as having
a right to like, freely move about in the house, like, wherever my
partner is, he has the ‘right of way’ because he’s ‘paying
for it’ and all the stuff is his, (which was further compounded by
me not really having anything of my own anymore as I’d had to leave
it all behind for the most part), and would have fears/worries that I
might be using some space or something like the TV or whatever that
he would maybe want to be using, and that he might get angry at me or
resent me for being ‘in the way’ of what he wants to do, cause
after all, he’s ‘paid for it’ so he has ‘the right of way’.
So this meant I was literally, like, ‘stuck’ a lot of the time,
and didn’t know how/where to move myself in my own home
environment. It might sound pretty ridiculous, but I’d never lived
like this before, without the money point, to give me ‘permission’.
Another example is
not contributing monetarily to the groceries, so that meant that I
had no right to choose what to get or what to make for meals or when
to eat, ignoring my own bodily needs that might differ. When I had
physical issues, that’s too bad, I just have to live with it, if I
want the right to decide on any of these things or do something about
it, then I’ll just have to find an income somehow, as that’s been
my experience in my whole adult life, with it’s roots in my
childhood. There was never really any financial help available, I was
always on my own, and if I didn’t have the money for something, I
had to go without, like proper medical care, dental care, nutrition,
clothes, that’s just how it was. I’d internalized that
experience, because the system/world has basically forced me all my
life to deny my needs because I didn’t have money to get them, and
so now I automatically assume I can’t have access to these things,
because that’s how it’s always worked, or that to ask something
for anything is going to cause conflict.
Another dimension to
this experience is feeling like a ‘financial burden’ since I’m
not bringing in any monetary income or have any investments to live
on, and within that, trying to be as little of a ‘burden’ as
possible, and because money can be stressful and I perceived my
partner as being stressed by money issues, this further fed the
point, to where I was neglecting my bodily needs as much as I could
to avoid having to ask for anything out of fear of survival, fear of
being seen as a burden and possibly being thrown out, with no
immediate way to provide for myself.
So I’ve really
walked myself into the perfect position to sort through this point of
‘having money’ as being the solution, where I’m now forced to
learn a different way to access my needs through communication
instead of through making money and having control. Which is scary
because then having my needs met depends on my ability to
communicate. But at the end of the day, this is the situation I’m
in, so there’s not much choice. And the fact is, there isn’t much
choice in life really anyway. Unless you’re insanely wealthy, but
otherwise most of us are not ‘well off’ enough to meet all our
needs all of the time. Even when I was working in the states a year
ago, making $18/hr working full time in Seattle, I still couldn’t
meet all my needs. I had a (shitty) roof over my head and more or
less adequate nutrition but still couldn’t get the medical and
dental care I needed when I needed it, or handle an emergency, or
afford to eat out. And that was the highest paying job I had in the
states, and only for the last year or so that I lived there, paying
off debts accumulated for medical and dental expenses I incurred from
the years before of not having enough. Most of the time I was a lot
worse off and couldn’t even afford decent clothing, like proper
winter gear living in the northeast and experiencing temps of -6 F,
or having infected teeth pulled because I couldn’t afford a crown
to keep the tooth.
It’s hard to live alongside another and see them have the access and control I wish I
had. This is a major reason why in the past I tended to have partners
who were in weaker financial positions than me, not that I really saw
it consciously at the time, but on some level I knew that then I
wouldn’t have to be faced so directly with my own limitation and
lack, and I justified it by thinking that those who were better off wouldn’t be able to ‘relate’ to my
experience and where I was coming from. I was also raised to think
that money isn’t what’s important in relationships. You marry for
‘love’ not for money.
There’s a cool
point within that in a way, but that’s not how the world currently
exists. Money does matter, more than anything in a way because without it, you
have nothing. It’s nice to think that it shouldn’t be this way,
but it is this way it is until we change it. So my situation is now
giving me motivation and inspiration to find a way through this cause I
don’t want to accept this for myself, I couldn't accept limitation before and I can't now. I want to find out what is possible when I no longer live these patterns within myself, so this is my opportunity to redefine that determination I've lived in terms of making money and surviving, to now discovering what is possible beyond money as control and money as survival, as I find a way to truly support myself, whatever form that may take.
Cause in a way, it's a point we need to all get to eventually, how do we live without being driven for/by money? Though hopefully it doesn't mean we all have to get into a position of not having an income to do so.. But such a reality may be closer than we think as it gets harder and harder to make a living, more and more jobs are getting automated away, and the dollar is being pumped to try and keep the economy afloat, and what I'm seeing is the way through is going to be through connection and communication, and realigning our values to not require money as a defining point in how we make decisions. And it starts with self.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated at times
where I can’t do/access what I want and think that if I had my own
money, then I could do/access what I want.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see ‘having money’ as
a solution to my experience.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘having money’
and ‘financial independence’ to having control in my
world/reality.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘having
control’ is the only solution/only way to direct/influence my
reality.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being ‘dependent’
financially as being ‘less than’/’inferior’, within this
having no right or say within a relationship or living situation with
others.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having money
gives me the ‘right’ to make decisions, and that without money I
have ‘no right’ to make decisions.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use money as a
justification for having some form of control over my world/reality.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely on money and having
an income to give me permission to have some ‘say’ in my
relationships.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the
dependence on ‘money as control’ is equal to the dependence on
the ‘mind as control’ which also exists as a system/tool that we
are using to manipulate ourselves and our reality through a point of
separation, instead of working directly with our reality and
developing direct relationships of communication and understanding,
so that it’s no longer ‘necessary’ to depend on the mind or
money to navigate relationships.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define someone ‘paying
for me’ as being ‘obligated’ to them in the sense of being a
‘slave’ and being under their control.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist accepting financial
support out of the fear that I will be obligated and lose my
‘independence’ and ‘control’ over my own life.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge those who have more
money and use it for control when I am living that same relationship
on money as control within myself.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am
obligated or indebted to another if they use money on my behalf,
within this taking for granted the entire system that is based on
inequality and creating inequality and that at the end of the day, no
one should really be ‘indebted’ to another, that it makes no
sense to create relationships of enslavement and control that we
would want to manipulate others through.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that another is
obligated to me if I use money on their behalf.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must/have
to make money in order to be satisfied with my life and be able to
live the life I would truly like, within this I forgive myself that I
haven’t accepted and allowed myself to to be open to the
possibility that it may not be relevant for me to ‘make money’ or
‘make enough’ as a certain idea in my mind of how much I need to
make in order to live how I would like.
I forgive myself
that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that for
some relationships it didn’t matter who had the money when both
partners are contributing themselves in what ways are relevant and
necessary, and there is effective communication and mutual commitment
to do what’s best for all within what’s possible to be done,
where neither partner is making it personal and they simply address
needs as they arise within what is possible to be done.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that the only way
forward is to ‘make my own money’ from a starting point of
believing that that is the only way to direct my life and have an
impact in this reality.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not ever having my
own money again, within this believing that this will mean I will be
miserable and limited and trapped and like just the worst thing that
could happen to me as then I will be a slave with no rights, with no
say in my life, no ability to expand or meet my needs and have to
live in servitude to another, and might end up living on the street
or worse.
I forgive myself
that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am
really only wanting money and to make/have my own money from the
starting point of my fears that I will be controlled, and that my
desire to have money is the desire to have that point of control
myself, within the belief that that is the only way to ensure that I
can effectively support myself in this reality, within this not
considering that we all have a right to the money that exists here
according to what we need to live and support ourselves and that if I
am not receiving that money, it’s not my ‘fault’ and that that
means that I am ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘not doing my part’
or ‘not contributing’ and therefore not ‘deserving’ of having
my basic needs met, and that however I would receive money in this
world it is from the money that is all ours that no one really has a
right to ‘own’ and ‘control’.
I commit myself to
developing ways to work with and communicate with my reality and my
relationships to find solutions that work for everyone including
myself, instead of relying on an idea of ‘money as my savior’,
within the realization that that approach is what supports ‘money
as control’ in this world on the large scale and supports us all to
remain slaves to money, through depending on it to navigate our
relationships, and that we therefore have to develop ways to work
with each other that are not dependent on money as control.
I commit myself to
living the understanding that we all have a right to life and to have
our needs met and to have a system that supports rather than indebts
us, that no one should really be ‘indebted’ to another, and that
any system or aspect of the system that would aim to indebt us to one
another is not really valid or serving the interest of all.
I commit myself to
take responsibility for my needs and meeting my needs, no matter
whether that is through making money or communication or both.
I commit myself to
support myself in moments where I feel frustrated, trapped, helpless,
out of control/wanting control, and where I see having money as being
the solution, to consider what the actual solution would be in the
moment and work toward that.
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