I Am so Dark

As I'm starting to read this art book, called "Brave Intuitive Painting-Let Go, Be Bold, Unfold!" By Flora Bowley. It is talking about surrendering and expressing from the heart, and somehow right away I don’t trust it, like, somehow it’s putting me on, like this is going to be some airy-fairy thing that isn't going to help me with painting at all. Like, it's just too positive to be real in this world that is full of negativity. The world is a sad place. And in this moment of reaction, I see I am a part of that sadness.

On the Desteni farm Bernard once told me ‘You’re allowing a form of sadness’. I could see it then, it made sense, even though I didn’t totally understand it. And I’m still working on it. I still ‘get sad’ in moments, where the emotion takes a hold of me whether I like it or not. It's not that I'm trying to 'eradicate sadness', it's to not have an energetic experience to it that is not coming from me deliberately moving myself to express something. It doesn't mean that there aren't things that are sad. The extensive abuse that takes place in the world currently is sad, but it's not an energetic experience coming from a chemical system designed to give me an experience that takes me away from me being here as my true self.

So the problem isn’t experiencing the sadness, it’s what do I do with that experience? Cause it is in me. There is only one way out and that is through. Going though it, with awareness, with introspection, with a questioning heart, understanding that I’m looking for a solution to the sadness, that through this I’m becoming the solution. 

It’s like, how is the fiber of my being actually resisting this information, when at the same time, the words make sense. Why is this ‘not resonating with me’ - but the thing is, it IS Resonating with me, just negatively. As a form of resistance ‘pushing’ me away from it. I literally feel compelled to close the book and focus on something else. And I could so easily accept this feeling. Buuuuut.. I know better. Why would I follow a compulsion that is coming up within me without actually understanding why or where it’s coming from, when there is nothing about the information itself that is ‘off’, it actually sounds pretty cool and like the kind of perspective I’m looking for.

So I take a breath and allow myself to continue reading. Let’s go deeper into this darkness that seems to be coming up within me. The darkness that says it’s not safe for expression. It’s not safe to love colors and paints. It’s not safe to do something that comes from your heart instead of your mind. 

Next thing I know, the book is guiding me to working with my inner experience toward art and uncovering the limitations I’m accepting in my own mind. What am I self talking myself into? Having a look at my own beliefs through which I shape my experience. And through that how I shape the world, through my personal impact and contribution. 

I thought I was reading a book about how to paint. And now I am staring our existential process in the face. Never expecting it to be related to this. But really, it relates to everything. To anything we would do. It’s who we are in it. Whatever It is. 

It then does go into positive affirmations, personally I would skip that part as it could cause confusion if your experience doesn’t match the affirmation. But the point continues with letting go of fears and the idea of mistakes. Treating every part of the experience as important - that’s an interesting point to consider. 

What if I looked at any aspect of my life that way? That everything is specific and important, cause it’s what’s here. Everything in my reality is a piece of me and I have a response ability, which you see is really an ability to respond. 

To respond with care and love as real actions that benefit my life and those around me. This does not mean some kind of attitude or positive mood, but the simple, real actions of care. Caring for my home environment for example, as best I’m able, without overburdening myself, or living below my real ability.

Here is a quote from the book, then next thing I have just read:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell

How relevant is this when you consider that our lives are preplanned, preprogrammed, and thus the solution is to not be directed by our preprogramming, but to stand equal to it, use it, change it, align ourselves to what is best for all, so that we can live our best self. 

The greatest and most rewarding challenge is to step outside of your preprogramming. Breaking free. Going against the grain. Getting out of your own way. Just like not giving in to the resistance, and sticking with this book, cause it actually has something cool to say, and I almost missed it, just cause of a preprogrammed response, that I didn’t choose to feel. Cause my choice is not in what I feel, as feelings come up without my choice, cause that is the nature of preprogramming. 

My choice is in what I will do. How I will act. Will I act based on those emotions and feelings, or will I direct myself based on what I truly see is best. Not on an emotion or feeling that came up from within me somewhere, where, I don’t even know, why would I listen to that? Eesh. And the more I take back my direction from within emotional and feeling experiences, the less I will feel them, as I no longer power and feed the energy of that system. And the more I will open myself up to things that I would have otherwise missed.

Thank you Flora Bowley for your book, I will continue reading..