It’s Not Fair - But Who Cares?

Continuing from my last post, I recently made the decision to stop smoking weed, particularly in consideration of getting pregnant. Earlier it was happening in my environment and I experienced this feeling of like, I’m on my own in this and I felt sad. Like if other’s aren’t standing with me in a decision or change I have made, if I don’t have the support of those around me in that change, I feel this clenching in my gut, and a sadness. And like I want to give up in a way, this feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ but those are words, not a feeling. Life isn’t fair. We certainly haven’t created it that way. And do I really want to live according to some rule or idea of ‘fairness’? Is that what will really get us out of all this bullshit we are creating? If we all stick to some idea of what is ‘fair’? They ‘get to do this’ so why ‘can’t’ I?

Is that really how I would want to be making my decisions of who and how I am going to be? Is that really what I want to base my reasons for what I do on? Or do I want those decisions to stand as a self decision that I have walked and come to through awareness of what I truly would like for myself? Why would I care what another does, if I am clear within myself of the choices I have made and continue to make in my daily living. I don’t want to be moved by these emotional feeling experiences. Then I am only a slave that isn’t really living. Who am I? I decide. No one is deciding for me, no one is responsible for what I decide. Others are responsible for their own actions and what they are living and how that may effect those around them, but no one makes my decisions for me. 

What would I want for my child? That they don’t feel victimized by their own thoughts, feelings and emotions that they may experience. I don’t want them to even get programmed like that in the first place if possible. But I know that there is stuff that comes from beyond this life that we have to work through, everything is compiled and here, and we will have to walk through all of it. So I will face what may come best I can, and it starts here. Everything starts here with me in each and every moment. 

It’s not like it’s even needed to research the point just to know that we are not totally sure that we are not causing any harm. But I would say, that if you are planning to have children and you and/or your partner is using it, do research the point so that you will know what you are creating. As the mother, I will be the one who is ultimately responsible. I cannot walk away from my child. I will be the one who HAS to deal with whatever the fallout is. So I’d like to make sure that I am creating the best possible situation not just for my child but for myself. It’s My Life too! For example, not only does the mother's use create consequences, paternal marijuana use has been shown to cause:

“offspring to develop distinct abnormalities in areas of the brain that help govern learning, memory, reward and mood”

That doesn’t sound like something I’d like to deal with in raising a child. Even in the best of cases, raising a human being is no walk in the park. I don’t want a lifetime of added difficulties that could have been prevented. My parents may have slipped on the shoe point and it was shitty enough that I’ve had to deal with foot deformities that have effected me in many ways, let alone my actual brain developing issues with things like Learning and Memory and Mood. I also don’t want these things for myself. I’ve already seen and experienced the effects it can have on me first hand, especially with effecting my memory, my ability to learn like I mentioned previously with trying to learn musical instruments. 

What I have found with stopping weed is that I have more energy, I don’t get as tired when doing physical things, I don’t need to eat as much, I’m more present every moment of every day, and more inclined to do things and learn things. I use the moments where I feel like I would want to smoke, as moments to connect with myself as a physical being. First remove myself from the thing so that it’s not right in front of me as that definitely makes it harder and makes the temptation flare up more. Go outside, smell the air, the plants, feel the air and the rain on my face. Listen to some music. Whatever it is, it doesn’t really matter, just doing something else, to stop and change the pattern.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m ‘missing out’ if I am not participating in the same thing as those around me. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base what I do on what others are doing around me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my decision is clear within myself, then I will not be effected by what others around me may be doing, within this not being hard on myself for experiencing temptation by what I see others doing, because I realize that I am walking through a patterned behavior that was established over time and through my participating in it, and therefore it will take time to change how I experience myself within and toward the point, within this realizing that it will go faster and easier the more I stick to my decision in every moment, and do what I can to assist the change.

I commit myself to when I experience the feeling of ‘it’s not fair’ and ‘I’m missing out’ - I do something for myself, so that I’m not ‘missing out’, and so that I am actively changing my experience and recreating a new version of me that will not feel like I am ‘missing out’. I can only ‘miss out’ if I am not here being present and living my life to the best capacity. 

Sources:

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-02-impact-paternal-marijuana-exposure-brains.html