The Medicine Does Not Control Me - I Control The Medicine

This song has been sticking with me for days now. It’s been in my head, I’m humming it in the shower, I’m playing along to it on the drums, these words, especially the chorus, playing over and over again.

“You and all these drugs, are going to make a loser out of me, a loser out of me.

You and all these drugs are gonna make some bitter enemies, some bitter enemies.”

So why is this song sticking with me? When I ask myself that question and look inside myself to what is going on within me and within my life, I am facing the point of having children. I took out my IUD a few days ago, so I could get pregnant now as soon as my body is ready. But I have been smoking weed for some time now. And I am aware that there can be negative effects on the development of a child from marijuana use. But I still did not ‘want’ to stop. Sometimes I enjoy the feeling of it, sometimes it has helped me to relax when there is a lot going on inside of me. But when I look inside myself, I can see that I don’t need it, and that at this point it is getting in the way of growing and developing and expanding my expression, which is kind of crushing, so I stop.

A similar thing happened to me when I first stopped smoking weed around the age of 28, and I didn’t smoke again for ten years until age 38. For me, weed was a way to ‘cope’ with limitation. Back then I was so depressed all the time by how limited my life seemed, it was a ‘saving grace’ in a way to have ‘something’ to ‘pass the time’. Something to ‘enjoy’ that I could feel like I was ‘doing for myself’ as a ‘treat’. But then, when I started to focus on doing what I can with what I have, even if it wasn’t much, then it started to get in the way. Like with learning to play musical instruments. I had an old guitar and a keyboard and I was trying to learn how to play those. I would smoke to try to be ‘creative’ when doing music, but it was actually getting in the way of developing my physical skill with these instruments. Eventually I got frustrated and I stopped so that I could be able to grow and enrich my life with what I did have access to and what would support me to expand and grow in this reality as a physical being.

As these lyrics were twirling round in me, I noticed that I could replace the word ‘medicine’ with ‘MIND’ cause our mind through our body and the chemical systems within is the same point as a ‘drug’. You don’t have to actually do any substances as drugs, you can just use your body. How we manipulate ourselves through our emotional and feeling experiences, and ‘keep chasing that high’ as the song says. Maybe it’s a high you experience when flirting, or from being around certain people, or looking at certain pictures, or doing certain activities. It’s all the same underlying point of addiction. Which is actually Limitation. We are addicted to limitation. An addiction is saying that I need this or that thing in order to experience myself a certain way. Which means, the medicine CONTROLS YOU. Except, we are also the ones ‘controlling’ the medicine. So it is a self manipulation point. Do you really want to be the butt of your own joke? 

I don’t. I know that within myself, that ultimately I don’t want to be a slave to myself and my own mind. And that is why I could not shake this song, or just go on humming it, singing it, drumming it, practically breathing it, without introspecting it, cause there is something here in it that I actually want to see. That I NEED to see. Me, as who I really am, not me as a mind addiction. I’ve got to focus on whatever sets me FREE. Free to act according to what is relevant and needed in this world, for myself and the children to come, and every child that is suffering who will eventually become an adult and live out the abuse done to them. Whatever supports me to see the reality and see how I can change and GETS me to do it. Which is really me getting me to do it, using any and every motivation and impulse at my disposal. We are bombarded by messages and examples of giving in to addictions, just look at the music that tops the charts these days, and for a long time now. You can so easily see the trend, you don’t even need me to point it out I’m sure. It’s all about the sex and drugs and money, and the record labels encourage this cause addictions sell. So your addictions are a rich man’s trick, to get into your mind and into your pockets. 

I don’t want to be a mind-trapped pawn for the ‘benefit’ of others at the expense of my life, my living, my relationships, my children, my future, my present.

But what really got me, was when I considered - what if this is also my child to be, bringing this song up in me, so that I will consider what consequences I will be creating if I do not change. When I was maybe around the age of 3 or 4, I wore shoes that were too tight fitting. For whatever reason, my parents did not stop this and make sure that I had proper footwear. I’m not here to blame or judge, I’m here to learn and do better. And for all of my life I have had to deal with this deformation of my feet, a mild example of what we’ve seen in the extreme example with the traditions of ‘foot binding’, and what happens to women’s feet when they wear high heels and pointed shoes too much. This is a consequence I’ve had to deal with in my life and I blamed my parents for a long time. So, here I am faced with the possible consequence I would be creating by bringing another life into this world and could I face my child one day and tell them I chose self interest over what is best for them in this life.

As I was considering all of this in the background, a video came up as an autoplay after I had finished watching another video. I didn’t ‘know why’, but I decided to hear it out. At the end Bernard says:

“In this a Most Curious thing is taking place on Earth - the Most Important Job - the one job that Determines the Future of the World - Nobody gets trained in Ever. And that’s the job of parents - have you Seen? It’s crazy. No matter what our Religion, the Greatest Educators we have, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Philosophers - Nobody’s insisting on the training of Parents. Parents are not trained and then they fuck them up. And it’s ok because you’re born in sin. Yes, it’s a sin to have children if you are not educated and prepared. In an Equal Money System parents will be educated, trained.”

This really drove the point home for me. I have a responsibility to educate myself and prepare the way for the children to come. This is what we have not been doing, and this is why the world is so fucked. Because we fuck the children from the very start. From here, I will do my best, and not waste time with being hard on myself or judging myself for the things I don’t know or the ‘mistakes’ I might make, cause we are NOT in an IDEAL situation on earth, where there is all the training and support one could need. We have to create this ourselves. Or we will just forever be a rich man’s trick, and so will our children.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want it to not matter if I smoke or not, within this suppressing what I do understand and am aware of as what consequence I could create, because I believe I do not want to change this point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I do not want to change this point, within this not realizing that it is only in my mind that I resist change, that who I am as life actually does want to change in ways that support me and all those I can support through my change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put self interest before the consideration of the life I would create for another human being who will have to live and experience the consequence that I create by living according to my idea of self interest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the responsibility I have in preparing myself for my child to come, that my life is more than just me as a self willed individual here, but that I am a part of all things and that I will live on in my children for better or worse and so it is up to me to make myself the best I can so that I pass on the best of me and this world, in order to create the best world possible. I do not want to come back to this world and find it worse than I left it. When I could have done something. I do not want to face my child later in life with the fact that I didn't make the best choice when I could have, to give them the best chance at life, which is what I would have wanted for myself.

I commit myself to taking responsibility to prepare myself and educate myself on parenting as best I can within the context of the current state of reality and what is available to me, and within this to share my process as much as I’m able, so that it can be seen and serve as an example to others who would like to honor that part of themselves that truly cares for what we are creating and manifesting, and to open myself up to perspectives and support from others doing the same.

I commit myself to let go of any worries that come up about doing things wrong or fearing that I will make mistakes, within this considering and remembering that I am always working with what I have and what I currently understand and that we have not nearly sorted all things out in this reality yet, and so it will be a process that will not always be straightforward, and so I walk in humbleness and do the best I can.

One of my main resources I am starting with to support myself in this education/preparation process is the Parenting interviews series on Eqafe: